I created this blog several days after Catalina was born. In hopes of documenting our days and weeks together; much like I had done with and for her while I was pregnant. I obviously have not gotten far if my first post is several days after her becoming 3 months old.
And with that begins the subject at hand. Which was best for me to do? Document all of our moments and milestones, or spend that time snuggling and playing with her? As much as I wanted to write, I chose the latter.
For the past three months.. six months.. nine months, I have thought and prayed and thought and fought with myself with what we would be doing with our Catalina and my job once she arrived.
Did you know I become exponentially more indecisive as the stakes become higher?
Initially, I told myself I could get back to work in 3-4 weeks. After speaking with several wide-eyed people, I changed that to 2 months, then I changed that to 1 year..2 years...3 months...3 months and my mom would stay with her...3 months and we'd send her off to daycare... 5 years. And before Michael and I knew it, Catalina was in our arms, and we both told our jobs I would leave for 3 months, and send her to daycare. Many friends, family, colleagues, and daycare coordinators (one who is my husband's direct boss) all witnessed our indecisiveness. And as difficult as we were with sticking to a decision, everyone was so supportive and patient as we tried our best to do what's best for our daughter and our growing family.
Month One came by, and there were moments I wished I could admit her into daycare that minute, but also days and weeks I wanted to hold her in my arms forever. And so, some days, I did just that.
Month Two came by, and much like the previous month, I went back and forth.. just less sleepily. With it being the peak of summer, I yearned to do the "summer" things I've always done. Festivals, parks, beaches, vacations, lakes, sun, cute outfits, good music, cool drinks, grill outs. And so I quickly became very antsy. I wanted my body back, I wanted my life back. I started to push our schedules to incorporate long walks and work outs. What was best?
I realized it wasn't fair for her to sit in the swing - sometimes content, sometimes irritated- as I tried to squeeze in workouts for myself. So, we tried a compromise - Michael and I decided to enroll Catalina into daycare for a couple of weeks part time so we can all start to get into the gist of things, and I could get some "me" time. I think back to those days of decision making, and ask myself, "Was that for the best"?
I soon realized I was never going to get my life or body back. Everything is forever and ever changed and different with Catalina in our lives. I needed to embrace that and accept that. And so, I decided I could work out next month, year, decade. But Catalina was never going to be this small again. Not tomorrow and definitely not next month. So the day before, the day of, and several days after our part time daycare days began, I cried myself to sleep..feeling guilty I had chosen my needs and wants over her.
Month Three is now here, and for the past two weeks or so, I have felt a sudden sense of desperation. What have I done? My time has come and gone, and I have not been able to do anything for her...not nearly enough as I should have or wanted to do. The times I chose myself over her... was it worth it?
What have I done by agreeing to allow other people to raise her for the majority of the day? How can I make it fiscally possible for me to stay home with her? Maybe we won't need two cars.. I'll be home with her all day, and Michael will only be a mile from us. Maybe I can do something from home. Maybe we'll drastically change our lifestyles.. we've always been so blessed.. it's not like we've ever actually known what it's like to be poor anyway. Maybe maybe maybe. My brain has been flooded with the most ridiculous thoughts as I tried to think of ways to do what is "best" for our family.
Last night, Michael and I had a conversation that for once, made everything very clear to me... at least for the time being. We talked about our childhoods and of those growing up around us. We talked about those with vacation homes, extravagant vacations, showstopper cars. We are trying to make things work right now... how are we going to make things work once Catalina gets older, and her friends experience and own these things? How can we provide her the lifestyle and upbringing so that she doesn't feel like the total oddball on campus? How can we ensure she feels comfortable enough in her skin to be comfortable with not being able to afford 5-star vacations, but are blessed enough to be able to spend quality time together as a family? How do we let her know that while she does not need a $70,000 car as a 16 year old, mommy and daddy have worked and planned well enough to provide her a safe vehicle to get to her from point A to point B? How to we provide a home that may not have a movie theater, pool, hot tub, extravagant mill work, but is fun and comfortable enough for her to invite her friends over for sleepovers? By staying home with her, will the benefits really outweigh the sacrifices we will make - not just the short term sacrifices, but also the long term ones? Ten, fifteen years from now, will we commend ourselves for having me stay home until she is old enough to start school, or blame our foolishness for not saving and planning for our future, for the sake of 4-5 years?
I don't know all the answers to these and so many other questions bubbling in my head. It may indeed be better for me to have stayed at home with Catalina for x months or x years. But for now, given our circumstances, I find peace in knowing that as I return to work tomorrow, teary eyed or not, I am doing what is best for my family. My family meaning, my husband, my daughter, my four rambunctious animals, and myself.
