It has been busier. Much, much busier. And the few moments I allow myself to reflect on my life, it's funny and ironic to see how much I've changed. For instance, when I was pregnant, I would read articles and blogs about moms feeling guilty for putting their husband on the back burner, and I would be like, "awee.. that's sad and unfortunate... I don't see how that could or would happen with me though.. I LOVE Michael!!"...............silly silly little me. haha.. it makes me laugh.
Or, "I'm going to be able to run a 5k sub 20 by Thanksgiving!! Just to prove it, I'm going to sign up for a race on Thanksgiving!!".........ha!! I'm over here like, "Is it even worth going down for the race?"
But one of the biggest and most consistent things I have wrestled with is pumping. Since the beginning, I was pretty blessed to have Catalina latch relatively well, and for me to have a normal to very large milk supply. This blessing quickly had me cocky, and taking my blessings for granted. Even though friends and articles both told me I needed to be pumping/nursing 8-12 times a day, I didn't see the need to. Catalina was full and gaining weight from what I was producing, and she was sleeping throughout the night, so I didn't need see the point of waking me and her up to nurse. And just by pumping here and here throughout the day, I was building up such a bomb supply of frozen milk, pumping 8 ounces. So, I soon stopped pumping all together. I started to tell myself, "I'll just start pumping again when I go back to work, and it'll be fine."
I finally go back to work, and pump. Baby girl is wanting to drink at least 5 ounces, but after pumping for 30 minutes, I am only able to pump 1 ounce. ummm..what? #freakoutmoment!!!
To cut things short, for the past two months, I have battled (to say the least) with my body, my pump, my priorities, my time, my husband.
I didn't get it. "How in the world, am I able to nurse her to her content, but can barely squeeze out an ounce?!?! Why is this happening to me? It must be the pump parts. I'll buy new parts, and it'll be better."
So I bought new parts, but nothing changed.
"It must be the pump! I'll talk to a lactation consultant, and see if they'll let me rent the hospital grade pump!"
I talked to the LC, and although they said it was an option, they didn't really recommend it.
"It must be my milk supply! I'll buy tea..supplements..oatmeal..drink more water. This will fix it!!"
I took everything, and while it did increase my milk supply, I was still unable to get the milk out, which just led to plugged ducts. ouch!!
"I'll try hot compresses and massaging!!"
I did, but to no avail.
"It must be because I'm stressed, and focusing on it too much! I'll buy a pumping bra and listen to soothing music!"
While the bra made pumping easier, it didn't really help with increasing the amount of milk I was getting.
I was going crazy, obsessed, and depressed over this. I just wanted to be able to provide for my baby like I have been able to from the beginning. What is going on... why am I failing?! Why can't I get myself and my life together?!
I was at an ultimate low. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I finally spoke with a LLL, and she told me I was only pumping/nursing 6 times a day... when I needed to be doing so 8-12 times a day. And why was I block feeding? That is done to reduce milk production. She gave me a lot of tough love, and encouraged that things can and will get better, but I needed to have the discipline to do things a bit differently.
That was two weeks ago.
The past two weeks have been a little bit more work, but in a different way. I still get stressed and nervous that I will not have enough, but I try to calm down, and by the end of the day, I have enough to send baby girl off with 7+ounces, with 2 ounces in the fridge as emergency. This past weekend, I was able to have enough left over to freeze my first bag in months.
It is still a work in progress, but I think the one thing that helped the most, was to finally sit down, and realize that sometimes, what I do is not always in the right. My intentions were definitely there, but my actions were not right. I was doing things wrong, and I needed to realize that regardless of how hard I was working, if it is in the wrong direction, it is just as unproductive, if not more unproductive, than doing nothing at all.
I am extremely grateful for my supportive husband. This wasn't easy for me, but I can definitely see this having been harder on him. We approach and solve things differently. We have different tolerance levels. We are two different people. But he supported me and remained by my side, even if he didn't necessarily understand/agree/enjoy everything.
Just when I start to think things are getting easier and more predictable, God reminds me that I am nothing but a mere human, and puts me back in my place. It's humbling, but I'm grateful for that reminder...and would absolutely have it no other way.
I am not in a state to run a 5k by Thanksgiving, heck, I'm still in maternity clothes.
I am still working hard to have enough milk for my child when we are apart from each other.
I am learning and re-learning how to love my husband, and be that wife I vowed to be last October every single day.
I am indeed a mess..a wreck...but so, so thankful for my life..especially my little baby girl who has come and flipped my world upside down.
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